I have always struggled with body image.
It started in middle school, when I had to constantly worry about fitting into a cheerleading uniform like all of my perfectly skinny friends. At that point in my life, I was making perhaps the worst dietary choices I have made thus far in my life. We're talking ramen noodles and Cosmic brownies everyday after school, with Dr. Pepper to go with every meal. Amazingly enough, I was also the smallest I have ever been. But when you do gymnastics, volleyball, cheerleading, and track all at once, that's to be expected.
But those years did more damage to my idea of a healthy lifestyle than my fit physique would portray.
Essentially, those years instilled the idea that my metabolism would forever be that superhuman, and that I could eat whatever the heck I wanted and never gain weight from it. Unfortunately, the only girls that this actually applies to are a small percentage of girls who end up gracing the runways. They're printed in the Victoria's Secret catalogs that we all keep around for fitness inspiration. They're the girls that we see at the beach, and we wonder how their life could get any more perfect.
But I'm here to tell you that it doesn't matter if you are 300, 150, or 90 pounds: chances are that you have, at some point, struggled with body image.
And why?
Why do women determine beauty by the appreciation we get over our body? Does it tell us we're pretty? Does it make people like us? More importantly, does it make God love us any more if we're skinny rather than fat.
NO. NO. NO.
In high school, I struggled for a very long time trying to get all of the guys in my class to like me by literally limiting my calorie intake to about 800 a day. It started my freshman year when one of the senior guys that my friends hung out with called me a "belephant" behind my back. And of course, my 14 year old self thought that was the end of the world. So I started running on the rickety treadmill in our basement where no one could see me feel ashamed of myself. Keeping in mind that I now only played volleyball, of course I had gained some weight. I mean, did you not read what I was putting in my body? But once I got on that kick, I cut everything out in the most unhealthy way. I drank a Special K protein shake in the morning. I had a Special K meal replacement bar at lunch, and then usually soup for dinner. I was constantly tired and irritable. I was angry with my friends for hanging around with those guys. I was annoyed that they were all so skinny and pretty. Not once did I ever focus on the positive parts of my life. Instead, I was filled with negativity. I just wanted to sleep all the time so I wouldn't have to deal with fixing my body. Though never diagnosed, I had all the symptoms of mild depression: sadness, low self-esteem, apathy, little appetite, and constant fatigue. When you clean up your lifestyle, it's supposed to make you feel better. You're supposed to have more energy. But I wasn't feeding my body the food that it needed to function properly. I was damaging it even further.
These habits continued throughout most of my high school years. Some of the guys who used to be my friends would go on to make horrible comments to OTHER GUYS THAT I HAD ALSO BEEN FRIENDS WITH. Comments such as "guys, look who's eating again," when I ate my already small meal during our last hour because I had skipped lunch earlier. Words like that are the reason that girls do this. Why did I even want their approval if they would treat me like that? I wasn't even fat. I weighed 135 pounds at 5'7. But I was muscular and I didn't have a flat tummy like all of my friends, so that guess that made me an accessible target? The girl whose only fault was not being born with better, skinnier genetics. I was already practically starving myself, what more did they want?
Luckily, I have always had a strong sense of independence. Pretty soon after those comments, I realized that I just didn't care. People who would turn on me like that were never my friends. They were people that I didn't need in my life. It's so hard to see that as a teenager just trying to fit in. During a time when you just want everyone to accept you, being rejected is the hardest thing to deal with.
But I did.
And I'm here to tell you that even today, I don't have a perfect body. I have extra in places society tells me not to. I can't eat whatever I want to and not see the consequences of it. But I'm happy. I no longer workout because I want people to like me and accept me, I workout because it makes me feel better. I eat better because it makes my body feel better. I don't drink soda because it makes me feel sluggish. All of these things I have changed, but not for anyone else. I made these changes because they make my body feel better, stronger, and more energized. That doesn't mean that I don't have cake, or in my case, frosting. Every once in awhile, of course! You shouldn't have to deny yourself of the things you love because you want to attain a certain image. That's not healthy at all. So yes, you can eat a piece of cake every once in awhile instead of planning your day around avoiding that bakery on the corner. I will never again let someone's words push me to the point of hating myself and damaging my body.
As long as I'm happy with my body, what does it matter what anyone else thinks? They don't have to live in here; I do.
In the meantime, I'll be eating cream cheese frosting and not feeling bad about it.
